Adversity, Thought, and Faith

   I've been through a lot of stuff in my life. A lot of tragedies and a lot of mistakes. Some of it was pretty bad, and some of it was mind breaking. Much of it was just different. Unusual and even unique. There are plenty of people who have been through their own hell. My hell was just different. Not necessarily worse or better. Different is a good word for it.

 This different, atypical experience had a profound effect on my thinking. My mind has been constructed in a unique way and has an alternative way of looking at things primarily because of the adversity I faced. My difficulties forced me to reckon with the truths and brutality of this world. They deprived me of a lot of opportunities and crushed any sense of normalcy.

        This forced me to search for meaning and purpose in a life where I couldn't reach my dreams and aspirations because of the consequences of my own decisions as well as the consequences of the cruelty of this place.  I would have never had the drive to think about things like infinity or complex ideas or complexity in general had I been allowed to complete college, started a family, been given the opportunities to travel or have the careers I wanted. This drive to find meaning and understanding and wisdom would have never been there, or at the least not been as intense, had I had a more comfortable and opportunity-filled life. 

Had I never felt deprived of Liberty, I would have never sat down and thought what liberty actually is. I would have never hungered for it had I not felt as oppressed as I have in this life. 

   But most importantly, my adversity made me seek what is even more important than knowledge or wisdom or understanding. It made me seek, in my thoughts and in my dreams, in my hopes and in my writings, in my friends and in my life as a whole, a relationship with the creator of all things.  I long for being in the presence of my Creator God much more intensely than any dream I have ever had in this life. This place hasn't given me a lot of opportunity to fulfill my dreams, and even if I got them they would be fleeting and vain. Bound by entropy, my worldly dreams would break down and end at some point. 

But God doesn't decay. He isn't bound by entropy. He is eternal.

Even though many things have been stolen from me in this life, nothing can take my relationship with an infinite God. He is unstoppable, indestructible, and incorruptible.  He will never forsake me to the lies of this place. To its perversion, depravity, and hate. Even with my own perversion, sin, and depravity, He is going to purge it out of my very being. He'll cleanse me as clean as fresh snow on a mountain.

 My faith in my God would not be as strong, or as persistent, or as loving, had I not gone through hell here.

Nothing like a trial to make you realize how much you need God. Nothing like hell to make you turn your sights to Heaven. 

Nothing like a sense of bondage to make you hunger for true, tangible, actual Liberty. 

Nothing like mundanity and disappointment to make you think about existence as deeply as you can, coming to the conclusion in your belief system that it is just as infinite as the God that who created it.

Nothing like sinning and offending God to realize how much you need the blood of Jesus. 

I would not have the mind that I do had I been given the same opportunities and a more normal life than what I was. 

Even though I wanted to be normal and have more freedom, in all my pain and disappointment I'm grateful such things were deprived of me and harder to achieve. I wouldn't have the wisdom, understanding, or drive to seek out truth had I been born with more wealth and opportunity. I wouldn't have my mind. I probably wouldn't have God either. 

In eternity, I can be whatever I want, go wherever I want, and know as much as God will let me know. Most importantly, I will be in the presence of Jesus for all time, and I will never feel disappointed, oppressed, or persecuted ever again. I will be truly, tangibly, actually free for a true eternity.