My Biggest Fear

     The world is a scary place. There are lots of dangers here. Lots of pitfalls and "cracks" in the system to fall through. There are endless ways to become crippled or disadvantaged in this world, and you can be stripped of rights and privileges you take for granted in a matter of moments.  

 

    I have already fell through a couple cracks in the system. It wasn't fun. Being on the outside looking in to much of the opportunity and dreams that I've always wanted to be involved in can be an uncomfortable experience. It also has been quite embittering. Even so, I recovered from my slip-ups quite well and I handle my stuff much better than I used to. I'm also seeing a plan and a purpose for much of my sufferings and disappointment.

      As the old saying goes, "when one door closes, others open." I may not be exactly where I wanted to be at this stage in my life, but that's ok! This, I'm starting to truly believe, is where God wanted me to be. No one gets what they want entirely, and when we get what we want, it's never what we thought it would be. 

     Even with my successes and my overcomings, I still have fears.

My biggest fear is not so much being consistently disappointed, nor is it failure. It's not even death. It's not necessarily losing loved ones, although that is always potent.  One of the big fears I have is being in a cage, like an animal, and treated like cattle or just a guinea pig for experiments. I guess prisons, institutions, and concentration camps are place I desperately try to avoid being in. Luckily for me that hasn't been difficult to achieve recently. 

Even this isn't my biggest fear.

 A great fear of mine is being drugged to the point of pure, raw lethargy and exhaustion. pretty much having my brain poisoned and my mind shut down entirely with no way to defend myself or advocate for my well being. I've been there before in my life, and it was a horrific experience. It was like being dead while alive. 

Even that's not my greatest fear.

Insanity, true insanity, the type that is a complete detachment from reality, terrifies me as well. At moments in my life I've been close to that too. Delusions and the horrors of paranoia are not a fun experience at all.

Even that's not my greatest fear 

My greatest fear, in all sincerity and all honesty....is being separated from my God, and separated from existence, for eternity.  I am terrified of having to face all those other fears alone, without Jesus. If I lose my King, I lose everything. I become empty and lost, like an abandoned ship in the middle of the Ocean.  This truly, honestly, severely terrifies me, far more than death, slavery, a cage, insanity, or drugs ever could. Losing the Christ would be a true, utter death, one that scares me far more than the death of my physical body. 

If I lost my infinite Creator God, the terror, sorrow, and agony for me would be just as infinite as He is. I couldn't bear it.

Luckily for me, that hasn't happened. My fear brought me home to God, at least in my mind and spirit. The void may be quiet, but there are still monsters in the dark. There is a terror in the absence of God that is unparalleled by any suffering and fear in this world. 

That terror truly terrifies me.