All I Needed to See Was His Feet

"And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil. " 

      -Luke 7:37-38

So January 2020, in the middle of the month, I was in the midst of a state of mind that left me reckoning with some of my past and even some of the stuff that had happened in the weeks prior. I had said a lot of interesting things and had some interesting conversations.

     It was pre-Covid time, so school was relatively normal and not everything was as weird as it is now. There was still a weirdness to it, but that's because my life always has a weirdness to it. One Saturday, after a long day of bouncing around Bozeman with my mind hashing out reality and philosophy and everything in between, I went to lay down in my bed in my apartment.

    After my Grandma died, I was given her crucifix as a gift from her possessions.  I had kept it over the years and kept it near or on my bed for protection and a sense of spiritual connection to the Lord. In the midst of all that was going on in my life, when I laid down that Saturday night, something felt different. My body felt different and my mind felt different. I was thinking about a lot of stuff, and as I was trying to sleep, in my minds eye I saw the flash of what were massive feet...just feet coming from what looked like a throne...that flashed into my mind for only a few moments.  

          It literally woke me wide awake and blew me back in my bed a little bit.  It freaked me out, but in my heart I just knew that I was looking at the feet of Jesus. It's hard to explain but I just knew that was what I was looking at. The only thing I could do was just say in a very scared voice "I'm sorry!" multiple times. I then grabbed my Grandma's crucifix and did a full bodied bow before it. I stayed bowed for minutes and all I could say was "I'm sorry!," "I love you!," and "Thank you!" Just those three phrases, over and over again, for almost the whole night.

 I didn't sleep a wink that night, and I went to church the next morning and just felt different, like I had just re-entered the world.  Everything felt different.  

 I kept that crucifix on my bed every night until it broke one night. I felt bad that it broke, since it was my Grandma's, but it served a good purpose for me.  I have a new one now that I keep on my bed, which is in the photo attached to this post, but I have never had an experience quite like what I just described, spiritual or otherwise.  

All I could see was His feet.

All I needed to see was His feet. 

All I was worthy of seeing was His feet.

Which is why I attached the story of the penitent woman to this post. 

 In the state of my many sins and crossings of God that I had done in my life, His mercy was something I didn't deserve, yet He still gives me every day.  I'm just happy He was gracious enough to show me His feet, and that was all I needed. I'll see all of Him in due time, when I'm ready to handle it.