Jekyll and Hyde Complex-The Beast Within

     We all have a dark side. An inner monster that some of us have better control of than others. I know I do, and sometimes that other side of my duality gets the best of me. Along with the werewolf concept, the concept of a man turning into a monster against his will, the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde has fascinated me from both a personal and psychological standpoint.

     It is a reflection on the duality of human nature. Both concepts-the werewolf and Jekyll/Hyde-demonstrate the idea that some people have a monster within that often can be too difficult to control at times.  

       In my own struggle with the duality of my personality, where I can be one of the kindest, gentlest people you could meet, but then often in private there is a viciousness that comes out that could shock a lot of people I know, I often worry this darker component of my nature will get the best of me at some point and lead to some social and interpersonal consequences for me.

 I manage it quite well, venting where it is mostly safe to vent, but I know that my dark side isn't always completely contained. It stems from bitterness. It stems from trauma and a feeling of an unresolved circumstance, an injustice that was never completely remedied, a promise that was never completely fulfilled. 

        Trauma can turn a person vicious. Often the same process that turns an animal into an aggressive, violent thing is the same process that turns a human into one too. Harsh, brutal circumstances often create harsh, brutal people. An unforgiving, unrelenting society or familial situation can create monsters out of people. 

         The dual nature of a person can become amplified by adversity and trauma. Often the more traumatic and/or bizarre the circumstances might be, the more profound effect on someone's personality the circumstances have on someone (and the more defined that Jekyll and Hyde complex gets).  

      My own Jekyll and Hyde complex was fostered through my adversity. The difficulties and insanity of my life have created what I noticed to be a pronounced dual nature, one that I have control of for the most part, but sometimes the beast within comes out in awkward ways, ways that can and have caused me some problems in my life.

      I have been told by a few friends that I can give people the "heeby jeebies" as one friend said. It is really not my intention to spook people like I do sometimes or weird them out, but sometimes it happens, I guess. Another friend said I have a pretty intense personality. I can see it. 

 My personality, for better or worse, has been shaped strongly by my life experience and the adversity I have faced in my life.

 My dual nature, that Jekyll and Hyde mental make-up, has in some ways been intensified by what has happened to me over the years. I  am not super proud of that darker component of my mind and spirit, but for the most part I have it regulated. Maybe not entirely under control, but mostly regulated. 

     I feed it sometimes.

The feeling of rejection in my life. That feeling of being on the outside-looking-in on much of the stuff I wanted to have a part to play in. That feeling of exclusion. That feeling of always being a window shopper. The bitterness towards a system that I often feel never treated (or treats) me fairly.

These feelings feed the monster within. It feeds my vengeful thoughts.  

Even though I have much faith. A trust that God is going to give me more than I could ever imagine. The bitterness and anger never completely goes away. I want, with all my heart, to just be included in the places in society and the world that I have felt rejected by. My sense of rejection and disappointment induces a bitterness that fosters and makes more pronounced that dual nature. That Jekyll/Hyde complex.

      I just haven't mustered the strength to forgive yet. One day I will, or one day I won't need to. I'll taste that liberty that comes after this life that I have never had here, and never have a dark side again.