I Could've Been President😁

     I have a lot of conversations with all kinds of people. Lots of philosophy. Lots of deep analyses of life. I have a couple friends that thoroughly enjoy the deep conversations about infinity or ideologies or philosophy, and then many that couldn't care less about them.

     I've told people that one of the reasons I think so deeply about reality is because of its freedom. Deep thought is liberating. Deep thought leads to free thought. I think deeply and focus on infinity and eternity because of my feelings and sentiments of not feeling free in this society.

          Because this society wasn't satisfying my desires to have the freedoms I wanted, I was left with no other choice but to go into my mind for liberty, and I found much liberty in my own thoughts. A great deal of liberty in my imagination and my creativity. Far more, I must say, than American society has ever offered me. 

      I must admit, I'm still a little bitter about some things. I think I might be carrying this resentment, at least in degrees, for the rest of my life. As I work towards finding contentment and peace in the midst of a world that I have lost a lot of love for, finding acceptance has been challenging. I've accepted a few things, but some things never fully heal or go away. 

       How I was treated here by certain institutions, stripped of a lot of dreams and aspirations, and labeled and branded with certain things that made life quite difficult at times as made me very disillusioned with American society. 

       I sat down with one of my friends a month or two ago, and we have been talking over the years about not just the fun philosophy and ideas, but also my own personal life and history. In this conversation, we were talking about how I was treated and what happened in certain situations in my life, and he talked about the egregiousness of some of my situations. In recent conversations he described some of it as an atrocity. He said "It's horrible that they can do something like this to a potential president."

    I must say I take it as a compliment that someone thinks I have that capability or that mind, but I must be frank you don't need to be brilliant to be president. That's pretty self-evident given many of our more recent ones. You need to be rich and have the right branch of American elites backing you. You don't need to be a genius. 

      I must admit, after what happened to me here in this society and how I was treated, I am grateful I will never hold that office. I'm grateful that this privilege is pretty out of reach for me. It's hard to hold office when you have the diagnoses I have, but I don't want to lead these people anyways. I've seen how Americans treat their own kind. How they talk to each other. I've seen the way discourse operates here. I know how the economic and social hierarchy is arranged. 

I would NEVER want to lead this place. I don't give a shit how smart I may be.

I wanted to serve it once. Be a warrior for it. I'm slowly moving past that dream too. 

I'm too honest and too respectful for leadership in the United States.  

This culture is so saturated in wealth worship, decadence, and pleasure seeking and indulgence that many people here wouldn't know nobility or righteousness if it fell in their lap. These things are alien to this culture.

I sometimes think this society would have a lesson to be learned if it got its ass kicked. It might be good for us every once in a while to have a little wake up call here and there.

I don't like American society that much, and I am an American. I'm one of them. My experience here was quite disappointing to say the least. I saw a very dark side to this place, and I still see it here and there. 

Now I just want freedom.

Perfect freedom

Eternal freedom. 

The freedom that only an infinite God can provide me.

As I continue to strive for a level of acceptance of my past and my history, I remind myself often that I believe in an infinite God, one that can remedy anything and set me free from any bondage.

I will continue to push into the future and live the best life I can, but I will always bear a little resentment towards this place.

I used to be a kid who pretended to be president, going around my house in a suit coat and imagining myself leading this nation, commanding armies, or being in one myself. Now I am at a point where I have seriously expressed gratitude I will never be in that position. You either elect scumbags here or run the decent ones into the ground and through the mud. 

God forbid I'd ever have to lead a country like this and a people like this.

Now I just want to go home to Jesus. This place has never felt like home. It's never felt that free either. 

Now I just want to be emersed in the love and Liberty of God.