To Be Better

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    I have always had a hard time with being labeled as sick or disabled, whether that be mental illness or some other handicap that set me apart from my peers. It often implied that there was something inherently wrong with me. With my very being even. A blight on my character and personhood that was dehumanizing and even irredeemable.  


          It is a label that never completely goes away, even with how functional I am or how successful I get. I always wanted to be on the same level as everyone else and on the same playing field as my peers and friends.  As I got older I learned that we all have a vice, a blight, even a curse that affects our very character, our very nature, and even our very spirit.


        No one escapes this, but I often get so caught up in my own selfishness and self-focus that I forget this fact. The thing I am grateful for the most in my sufferings and sin, my sicknesses and failures, is had I not been afflicted with these curses and labels, I would have no idea how much I needed deliverance from them. 


How much I needed a savior.


How much I needed Jesus.


I wouldn't have the value and love and adoration I have toward God had I not had my vices and curses and sickness.


I wouldn't be as fascinated with infinity and eternity and the different types of infinite things had I had an easier life.


 I wouldn't philosophize, go deep into my thoughts, meditate and pick apart reality had I not had my sanity questioned or had I not lost my mind.


 I've often joked that sometimes you got to lose your mind to find it. Cheeky, I know, but it's true with me.


     I would not have such a massive respect and value of the concept of liberty had I not made the mistakes that led me to be deprived of much of the liberty I've wanted.


 Freedom becomes a hell of a lot more valuable to someone who has lost it for a time.


All of these things are true because of suffering and failure. I wouldn't strive for better and for more purpose had I not realized what a flawed and sinful person I am. Had I not admitted to my mistakes and acknowledged my sicknesses.


  Now, above all things in my life, I just want to be right by God. I just want to be right in Jesus's eyes.  I just want to be better. Just better. 


Healthier.


Safer.


More Free 


More responsible


More compassionate


Stronger


Braver.


Just better.


I don't want to be angry anymore.


I'm tired of resentment.


I'm tired of hate.


I'm sick of failure.


I just want to just dwell in the Love of God.


I just want to live a life where at the end of it I can stand before my maker and be able to face whatever judgement he has for me and be able to say to Him, "master, I tried. I tried to be Good. I tried to do right. I tried to be who you wanted me to be. Whether or not I passed or failed, I will always love you."


I just want to live a life that would make Jesus proud. A life that brings Honor and glory to him.  A life that is worthy of his grace.


I'm sick of being a sinner.


I just want to be filled with nothing else but God's love and mercy


But most of all, as I sojourn through this world, I want to wake up every day and be a little better that day than I was the day before. Even if it is only a little bit.


I just want to be better.

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