God as My Guide

     I get off of work at 12:30 on the average night. It's a pretty late shift and then I either have a 10 minute bike ride or 30 minute walk home across town.  I usually fall asleep at 2:00 or so after supper and winding down time.

         Over the course of the last 6 months or so, I have been waking up consistently at 6:00, often to the dot, and I have had a general feeling of unease and discomfort overtake my body and mind for a few hours.  I'd eventually fall back asleep and sleep until just before I have to go to work again, but that general feeling of discomfort and sometimes even dread is something that is quite a mystery, and it is a relatively new phenomenon in my life.

        I just get a feeling of uncertainty, often overtaken by the questions of "what am I doing here?" or "what happened?"  or "how did I get here?" or "where am I going?"  Some of my best philosophical thoughts and ideations come at this period of the day.  Some of my deepest explorations of my mind occur in the midst of this discomfort and unease. 

       This morning I called a friend, and one of the topics that came up was determinism.  I told him how there are moments of my life that I am absolutely certain, without question, that everything does indeed happen for a reason, and that God indeed has a plan for me and this world. Those moments don't last nearly as long as my more consistent, typical state of worldly doubt, worldly fear, and worldly uncertainty.  I don't dwell in complete faith and complete trust in God for very long.  

       I relapse into the state of doubt and the fog of life very quickly, never completely overcoming the natural predisposition of human fear and unsureness.  However, even though I view that there is a level of determinism in my life set up by God, I view that God is still a god of freedom. He's not going to force you to make the right decisions. He is just going to present to you the options for those decisions to be there. God always gives you a choice, and the determinism comes in the form of the consequences of those choices.

         The option to do the right thing is always present in every human's life, whether you are in a dictatorship or a utopia.  If you want God to be a factor in your life, you are given the opportunity, and it is always an option. The Father's arms are always open to those who want to call His Kingdom their home.  As for myself, overcoming the sense of dread, fear, angst, doubt, and uncertainty comes with placing my trust and faith in Jesus to be my guide. Trusting him to be my leader and my navigator through this uncertain and fearful life.  

      I know He is more than willing to be the tip of the spear that cuts through the fog of doubt and the consequences of my sins and the sins of this fallen and dying world.  He can see far deeper into the future and His eyes can cut through the lies and darkness of the world.  He has a plan, and even in my doubt I know this to be true. It's a weird dual state of mind. 

      I doubt and fear in my mind, but my heart tells me that what's true is true, and God does have a plan indeed for me and for this world. I will always consider Him to be my guide and my champion, my "tip of the spear" and my light that cuts through the darkness. 

      As I prepare to go back to sleep for a few more hours, I rest assured that this unease and discomfort will not last forever. God's love will always put me back at ease and bring me comfort and peace in the challenges and fear of my life as well as into the victory and glory of eternity.   Fear is of the world. Fear is of the Devil. God's Kingdom and glory has overcome this world.  In his infiniteness and eternal supremacy, fear is of no consequence. Fear holds no sway over an infinite and eternal God who guides me through the darkness and sin of the world.