Contentment in an Unsatisfying Life

     

One of the things I struggle with the most is being content and happy with what I got. Like any human, I want something more. A more adventurous life. A more purposeful life. A challenging career. Travel. The Finances to support such a life. Contentment is hard. It's hard to be content and satisfied when left in a state of wanting things I cannot have and an inability to navigate a system with many more doors closed than open. I often don't even know where the doors are, or the steps to take to a more adventurous and satisfying life. 

          This lack of contentment and satisfaction fuels my drive to write about what I write and put myself out there as much as I do. Unfortunately, no matter how smart or knowledgeable I may be and how gifted of a thinker I am, this is still not opening doors. My writings, though profound at times, aren't attracting the kind of attention I want, nor are they paying the bills. I don't know how to navigate this world. I dug myself into a hole over the years, and I am still trying to dig myself out. 

      I have had some successes along the way. I got a college degree. I held down a full time job for close to three years.  I cleaned myself up a bit. Stayed on my medications. Stayed away from drugs and am only a moderate drinker. I stayed away from a life of crime and stayed away from the bad crowds. I am pretty well behaved. I have to be. This place will crack down hard on me if I am not. 

      Even with my clean lifestyle, I am still not satisfied. I still want a bigger purpose. I hear a calling to a life of purpose and the combatting of an enemy. A life of service and dedication to the championing of some cause. Some mission. Every time I try to answer that call and enter into those causes and efforts, I'm never let through the gate. I'm never allowed to play on the team, so to speak. I've never been given the choice on what kind of life I want to live. The door to that liberty and the life I want to live is always shut. 

                     "To live is Christ, to die is gain." -Paul the Apostle

Even in my following of Jesus, I still find myself discontented with life. My eyes are so fixed on heaven and being in the presence of an infinite God that I often neglect to appreciate the life I have been given and its own blessings. In my bitterness and disappointment, I am often blinded to my own gifts and to my own blessings that God so generously gave to me when I deserved or was entitled to none of it. In my selfishness, spite, and hatred, and my addiction to my own sin I fail to live in gratitude towards God for how much he has blessed me. 

        I get the "to die is gain" part of Paul's statement. That's easy. The presence of God and exploring God's wonders and glory will always be at the top of my desires and priorities. Death would get me this.

      I fall short of the "to live is Christ" part to a degree that I am not proud of. In my obsession with worldly and often juvenile desires of worldly victory, worldly conflict, and worldly glory, I fail to see how worldly and vain such desires are. I fail to see how enslaved I am to the temptations and illusions of this lost world to the point where I neglect Jesus and neglect my obligation to serve him and be loyal. Loving Jesus is easy for me. Serving Him on earth has proven to be difficult. Something I want to work on, for sure. I have to. The "to live is Christ" and the "to die is gain" are not mutually exclusive. One absolutely cannot exist without the other. 

      I must confess, I find myself unable to find the willpower to change my attitude. I must confess, I am addicted still to my sin and things that distant me from God to an uncomfortable degree. I still cannot reshape my mind to where I don't lust after the things I lust after and obsess over my obsessions. I have been in such a habit of these things that they are almost wired into my personality and I cannot break my mind from patterns of thought and patterns of want that I have been in for years, some even decades. 

 The war fixation. The warrior complex. The selfish focus. The desire for heroism. 

      The lack of fulfillment of these worldly desires and the obsessive patterns of thinking involved with them leave me in a constant state of dissatisfaction, discontent, disappointment, and resentment that often turns into a mental wrestling match almost daily.  It also detracts from my relationship and my focus on Jesus.

      I have asked God many times to free me from these obsessions. He hasn't yet. One time I asked him not too long ago, and I heard a quiet voice in my head that said "I'll take these from you when I am ready to, on my time." I wish He would do it soon. I long for the contentment Paul the apostle had when he said that quote I mentioned. He was in prison. It's a sign of a true, powerful, and intense faith to have that kind of contentment in prison.

    I am not in prison. Even if this world feels like a prison at times, I am not in a cage. I am free to move as I please for the most part. I am at liberty to hang out with friends and work and play, yet I lack the contentment with life that Paul had when he was in chains and in a cage. How selfish of me, and how weak of me, to not appreciate God's blessings, God's protection, and the opportunities I do have. I discovered that contentment and satisfaction that is full, deep, potent, and indefinite will not come from this world. 

This can only come from a full, deep, potent, and indefinite relationship with Jesus Christ. Once I enter that relationship completely, utterly, and without reservation, I will have the strength and the faith necessary to give me contentment and security even in a state of bondage or imprisonment. I have not entered into that deep of a relationship with Jesus yet. 

    Again, loving him is easy. I will always love God. Serving him with absolute dedication and effort still proves difficult. I am still addicted to the world. I am still in bondage to my shortcomings and my sins.

Good night friends.