The War that Wages Within Us

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Every day, I fight an internal battle. One that no one sees. I fight my fears, my insecurities, and I try to contain my anger. Sometimes it gets the best of me. Sometimes my resentment and bitterness gets me in trouble. 


The memories are often what troubles me. Its hard to shut them off. Every day, at least once a day. At least. I find myself duelling with an enemy that is not outside of me. It's a darkness within me. I have a tight leash on it for sure, but I have to fight this inner anger and hate everyday. 


I'm sure most, if not all of us wrestles with ourselves and fights an internal battle against our own darkness and our memories of past mistakes, past failures, and past disasters. 


I sure do. I wrestle my own mind. I wrestle with God. I wrestle with friendships. Its always a battle. Its a daily-recurring internal war. I win everyday, even when my "enemy" gets the best of me. I win...because I make it home to my bed every night. I make it through the day every day and come home to food, friends, and warm blankets.


I've been fighting wars in my head since I was a child. That's the only place I can fight them in my life and world. For me, in my existence, war was a constant thing both in my mind and in the external world and my nation for much of my life. I've always had an interest in it. 


It's no surprise I've always wanted to be apart of a cause or effort against an enemy or threat. When that opportunity was deprived of me it was a heavy mental blow, one that still to  this day is hard to get over, let go of, and forgive.


Today, on campus, I saw a guy with a shirt that said "don't give in to the war within" or something like that. I saw that shirt in the midst of one of those mental battles I fight against my bitterness, hate, and resentment. 


I don't believe that was a coincidence. I needed to see it. All I know is that in my internal war against my own demons and my own darkness, the spirit of God dwells in my mind as well. I just haven't learned how to let Him do most of the fighting. Sometimes I even wrestle with Him. He always wins.


Giving in to the war within is not an option. I will face it until God takes me home. If there is one thing I strive to not be, I would rather not be known for being a coward. There are too many cowards in the world as it is.

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