Thank the Lord for a Broken Dream

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Thank the Lord for a Broken Dream

I should honestly be thanking God that this society rejected me in the way that it did. I would not be as smart or as strong or as faithful to the LORD had I gotten to be a warrior in the physical sense of being in the armed forces. 

           The rejection of being barred from joining, or so I was told, honestly crushed me. It shattered my patriotism, my view of my country, and my outlook on life into a million pieces. I spent years fixated on that rejection, seeking out in thought and expressing with my words a strong desire for revenge, even in private wishing for the destruction of this place, even calling at times upon my master and maker to cleanse it or annihilate it.

              I have regrets about these thoughts and words, but I must confess, this rejection cut deeper than any lover or romantic interest ever could have, and the bitterness, pain, hatred, resentment, and grief of that rejection lingers and varies in intensity even to this day. I still can't let it go. I'm reminded of it every day that I go to work and clean up after future military officers.

             My mind flashes back quite frequently to when that veteran who was a nurse at the Billings Clinic Psych Ward 9 years ago said I would be barred from service, and every time I have that flashback it still cuts at my spirit. I feel like I have the soul of a warrior. Of course, not everyone is as sentimental or as mystical as I am, so for those people I will just say the desire to be a warrior has been, is, and always will be wired into my mind and nature.
    
            I honestly do not want to let it go. This desire motivates me, incentivizes me, and fires me up. It is the reason I write as much, talk to people as much, and read as much as I do. Without it, I honestly wouldn't be who I am. Without it, I wouldn't have striven to love and understand God or love and understand Liberty as much as I did.
  
          It's OK! It's OK that I may never get to be a warrior in this life, but in eternity, dearest friends, I know that I will get to be a warrior in an army far more powerful than any nation's army on earth. I get to be a warrior in the Army of God, in God's Host, and I get to lay waste and eradicate his enemies and the agents of evil and oppression across an existence so vast and wondrous and beautiful that I will have an eternity to partake in the calling of a warrior. 

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