My Own Universe

I remember the first time I saw a Star Wars movie. I was 5 years old and it was Return of the Jedi. I was enthralled with the action, the lasers, and the planets and spaceships. It ignited my imagination, and I went from my Lion King fixation to now being open to a whole world of possibilities. A whole galaxy's worth of possibilities. A whole Universe's worth. 

      I started immersing myself into fantasy worlds, and as I consumed more media, ideas, and information, my fantasies became more complex. I would ride my bike around my hometown for hours by myself, and my frame of reference became trees, houses, cars, and foliage. Trees became galaxies, my bike was a spaceship, and cars and houses were space stations. 

        I would play Star Wars-like fantasies constantly throughout my early childhood, in particularly my 6-13 years of age. I would hybridize star wars with other Science Fiction media like Star Trek and others, and the fantasies became more complex, more exciting, and more fun the older I got. Let's just say if you are fantasizing that trees are galaxies and having space-wars constantly in your head, than the mountains of Montana are a pretty exciting place to be. 

        I was a pretty big numbers guy as a kid, and by big, I mean billions, trillions, quadrillions, quintillions, sextillions, septillions, octillions, and nontillions big. If trees were galaxies, naturally there would be a few trillion galaxies on earth. This immense number, as well as the immense number of actual galaxies in the Universe, excited me and made me feel a lot less lonely, especially when your fantasy universe was teaming with life, wonder, and world after world. Even things like infinity became more graspable for me, and as an adult now, the prospect of an infinite existence gives me the same excitement as my fantasy universe did as a kid.

       Truth be told, this fantasy was an escape for me. An escape from what was at times an abusive and chaotic household, from the bullying and belittling done by my school peers, and from a scary pre-and-post 9/11 world. I felt more at home, more secure, and more free, FAR more free in that fantasy world than I ever have in this life. 

        As I got older, the reality of this world became more apparent, and it became harder to escape from it. When I became an adult, I started realizing how close to hell this world actually is, and it profoundly disappointed me and broke my heart beyond measure. 

       I felt more free fighting wars in my head in a massive, expansive fantasy existence than I have ever felt as an adult. I wish I could escape again, but imagination as an adult in our culture is looked at as a hindrance to productivity, and in America, if you aren't producing, you don't have value. I used that escape world to cope with a very troubled childhood, and those fantasies taught me more about existence and God than any school, classroom, or most books ever could have.

     My own universe. My refuge. My security. My hope. I believe there is some truth to the fantasy. I believe in those kind of worlds and universes there is more Liberty, excitement, purpose, joy, and glory than anything in this life. Unfortunately, to access that broader infinite and eternal existence, I must first be liberated from this society and this world. That liberation only comes through my relationship with Jesus, and it only comes through death and the liberation of my spirit from this flesh.

          For now, I must be kind to my friends and neighbors, work hard, love deeply, keep my hope, and wait on the LORD for him to liberate me from this deceptive place, this lost and dying world

Have a good quarantine everyone. Stay strong, and try to find joy and peace in the next couple months. 

I will continue to pursue the highest of Liberties and the highest of Loves.