Peace

I wish I had peace. True peace. I think about violence too much. I get drawn into violence too much. When tragedy strikes somewhere in the world, I become fixated on it's cause and consequences. My anxieties and fears often feed themselves. I am always worried about losing a loved one or friend to some unfortunate situation. I worry if I did my job right. I worry if I said the wrong thing to the wrong person, or if my private thoughts that I vocalize cause concern to someone who might have overheard it. I find myself haunted and tortured by things that I have said and/or did that caused immense discord and suffering to myself or my loved ones. I can't get rid of the memories. It keeps me up at night. I always thought of demons as being scary monsters with ugly faces and vicious smiles and grimaces that want to kill you and consume you, but I found out demons are often the voices in your head that tell you you are worthless, you are going to hell, and those demons often use your worst experiences against you by flashing the memories through your mind over and over and over again. Now I want to make it clear, I don't literally "hear" voices in my head. Most of the time they are just potent and vivid memories and loud thoughts. I just want to have a peace in my own mind. A sanctuary of thought where I can experience a comfort and a freedom from these "demons." The disheartening conundrum I am in is that I find myself even longing for some sort of conflict or danger to arise, because in some warped way I feel like such a situation would give me a solid, real purpose. I hate this about myself. I wish I longed for peace. I do long for it, but I don't at the same time. I think there is equivalence between peace and happiness. I realize that only true happiness comes with finding peace. Another thing I know about peace is in most conflicts it comes through victory. For me, it is a victory over an enemy that is mostly within myself. The sins I struggle with. The doubts I struggle with. The demons that torment me. As I look at the world, I see a darkness that has been present since the world's inception, but is enhanced by a more global awareness of it. It seems as if we are always on the brink, the precipice of a calamity. We've been pushed over the brink before, but not only did we survive, but the world was thrust into the future at an exponential rate. Through conflict, there is often progress, but that progress is at a tragic cost. Peace and security is often paid for in blood and tears. As for inner peace, to find it, you have to suffer a great deal. You almost have to suffer to the point where you are forced to make a choice; you either give in to despair, or you find a purpose and you have to find acceptance of the tragedies that haunt you, and you have to forgive. You HAVE to find a way to forgive. When you forgive, you find that peace that your heart truly longs for, that your heart hurts in its lacking of it, the kind of peace that liberates your soul. I am trying to find mine in Jesus, but my doubts hinder my relationship with Him, as do my inability to control my sins and destructive thoughts and behaviors. I think I need to pray more. I need to forgive the people that I feel caused me pain, though there are actually few people who do so. I need to forgive myself, because a great many of my problems were the results of my own choices. But most importantly, I need to forgive God. This may sound strange, since I am certain it is not God who is responsible for my suffering. His love for me is greater than I can imagine, but I still find myself blaming him. It is not my intention to do so. I try to force myself to not attack Him or blame him, but I often have a part of me that wants to blame him. I need to forgive God, not because he is responsible for my suffering, but I need to forgive the deception in my mind that he is indeed responsible for my suffering. It is a potent deception, one designed to get me to turn on my maker, and in doing so I lose my chance at an eternal peace at his side. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. It releases you of hatred and bitterness. Hatred cannot be cured by any other means than forgiveness, and vengeance is unquenchable. You never get enough when you seek revenge, and the poisonous thrill it gives you only lasts for a short time and, like a junky's fix, you're are not satisfied or relieved of your pain. Only forgiveness can liberate you from the death throes of vengeance and hatred. Only forgiveness can give you a peace within yourself that is lasting and healing and joyful. Peace is essential to happiness and joy. Violence, destruction, and hatred are some of the core traits of evil, and these things lead to immense suffering, suffering that can only be alleviated by the mercy and grace of God and by the forgiveness you grant to your enemies as well as the deception that can cause your to turn on those who love you the most. To gain peace. you have to forgive.