Why I write what I write.

There is a method to my madness. I don't write without purpose. Everything I try to write has a reason for being written. I feel guided by something much bigger than myself in my thoughts and ideas. I often don't know how I know the information that I write about. A lot of it is a thinking process that I don't fully understand. I may not have a lot of sources for what I say, but I am going to try and do the research to support the ideas, theories, and stories I post on this blog. I am trying to start conversations. That's it. A lot of what I post is also a defense of my sanity, and a defense of my validity as an intellectual. I want people to know I am a capable, intelligent, and spiritual human being who can do great things for people, God, and country. I am trying my best to get stronger, more stable, and more developed as an adult with mental health issues. I write things down because stories and ideas are how you can make an impact on people when you are so financially limited and of low social status. My first loyalty in what I do is God. I am his humble servant. My next priority is getting myself into a better position. God gave me the ability to express myself with ease and clarity, both on paper and through speaking. It is a gift I cannot afford to waste. I am afraid of losing this gift, either through overmedication and sedation, or through debilitation in some other form. I am afraid that the doctors who treat me will see an illness rather than a gift when I come up with ideas. I am afraid that the doctors who treat me will put me on some new drug that demotivates me and reduces my energy and intellectual capacity. Some of these fears may possibly be unwarranted, as medical and mental health professionals are only trying to help, but because of my experiences I have these concerns. Heck, I even had to report a university adjunct dean of students psychologist who made inappropriate comments about my mental health status. It is these types of things that make me weary of professional people who may misinterpret my joy and happiness and gifts as mania or psychosis, when I am not grandiose,  not delusional, and very much in reality. I ask my treatment team to understand that if I am going to be successful in this world, I have to be able to function in it, which means I need to get healthy sleep, not hypersomnia, and I need to eat right, and I need to talk to people about what I am going through. I write what I write, because it is the one way I can defend myself the best. I can tell stories and come up with theories, in the hopes that someone will read them and help me help myself get on track so I can contribute to my community and society by producing something of value from the ideas that I have about life. I want a good life. That's it. I want what so many people take for granted, a stable loving family of my own to raise and nurture. People who have this have no idea how much of a blessing from the LORD they have. Some do though. I write what I write because I want to make a difference in people's lives for the better. I write what I write because I am frightened by the thought of losing my mind, my gifts, and my life. I write what I write because I have a story to tell. I write what I write, because I should have never had to suffer like I did. I write what I write because I am asking for help.